


hurt tonight.

by sncwbaz



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, baz just isn't feeling well when it comes to his mental state, some talk about not feeling well mentally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 19:55:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10771314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sncwbaz/pseuds/sncwbaz
Summary: Baz hasn't been around at Simon's and Penny's flat in a bit because he's spending his days in bed, feeling empty.I got inspired by the song Let's Hurt Tonight by OneRepublic. It's not really inspired on the lyrics of that song, more on the vibe the song gives off.





	hurt tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't have anyone beta read this for me, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes. Please feel free to point them out to me if you see any. 
> 
> You can also find this fic on my tumblr @sncwbaz

[Bunce]

Baz hadn’t been over for a few days. When Penny thought of it she realised it must have been at least a week since she’d seen Baz in the flat. Being busy with her homework had kept her ignorant to this, but now it was weekend and Simon was alone in his room. It was… strange. Baz often couldn’t stay away for longer than two days and the two of them barley ever spent time at Baz’ place.

Penny wondered if they might were in a fight. Even more so, she wondered if she should get involved with whatever was going on between the two of them or not. Her instant response to that would have been no, she was not involving herself in their problems. Though, after she’d thought it over again, she cared a lot more about their relationship than she would have preferred. They were both her friends—and she did not have many more friends besides the two of them—which meant she wished them the best they could have. Especially after all that Simon and Baz had already endured.

After a few moments lost in thought she decided that just asking Simon about it was the least she could do. Offering herself as a supportive listener was different from involving herself in their problems, she told herself.

“Come in,” said Simon shortly after Penny had knocked on his bedroom door.

She walked into his bedroom and saw Simon slouched on his bed with his laptop resting on his lap. He seemed relaxed, probably too relaxed for him to be in a fight with his boyfriend. Simon didn’t hide his emotions very well, you could basically feel any emotion radiating from him. Penny realised she would have known from more than just Baz’ absence if Simon and Baz had been in a fight. So… they weren’t in a fight?

“Baz hasn’t been around for a while. Why isn’t he here tonight? It’s weekend,” Penny asked, unable to keep the curiosity inside her.

Simon shrugged. “He’s been sick the last few days.”

Penny frowned at that. “But, Simon, he’s a vampire.”

Simon copied her frown. “I know… I guess it’s sick as in not feeling well. A vampire can still not feel well right?”

“Probably.”

“Yeah.”

“But,” Penny was still a bit confused about it all, “you don’t know anything more than that? What did he tell you exactly.”

“He said he wasn’t coming by because he wasn’t feeling well.”

“You didn’t ask him what was going on?” Penny asked.

Simon stared at her for a little while. “Should I have?”

“Didn’t you want to know?”

Simon shrugged again. “What difference would it have made?”

“You would have known.” And maybe he needs you, she thought, though she quickly argued herself on that. Baz knew Simon and knew the way Simon worked. If Baz was in need of Simon he should’ve told Simon. You couldn’t expect from Simon to read everything between the lines.

“I guess I would have, but knowing he isn’t feeling well seemed like enough information. I told him I’ll wait for him until he feels better.”

“Maybe you could visit him. Don’t you miss him?” Penny pushed.

“I could,” Simon said and became quiet for a bit. “What if he just wants rest, Penny? He didn’t tell me to come visit him.”

“Did he tell you not to come?”

“… No.”

“You could just text him and ask him if he’d like you to visit him,” Penny encouraged him. Penny felt a little ridiculous for having to help Simon this way, but she knew that sometimes Simon just needed a bit of guidance onto the right path.

Simon nodded. “I will.”

“Good,” Penny said in satisfaction and she left his room.

A few minutes later Simon was at her bedroom door to let her know that he was going over to Baz’ place. Penny smiled to herself whilst shaking her head slightly. The two of them were a piece of work.

[Pitch]

He’d only left his bed to hunt and for toilet breaks within these last few days. He didn’t know if it was because of vampirism or just general misery, but he felt empty. If he stared at the ceiling for long enough he would start to feel lighter and lighter to the point that it felt like he was floating. It wasn’t a good kind of floating. It was a being completely lost and unreal kind of floating. It was a feeling of pure insignificance.

Simon would be here soon.

He hadn’t known if he’d wanted Simon to be here with him when he was in a state like this. He was afraid that the contrast that Simon would be to the emptiness and insignificance inside him would only make him feel worse. Simon had always been so much to Baz; so full of everything. It hurt to be next to someone so whole when you yourself felt like nothing. 

Still, the thought of Simon being on his way here also felt like a comfort. Baz had not wanted to bother Simon with the pathetic state he currently found himself in, but Simon had asked himself if he could come. Of course he wanted Simon to come.

The doorbell rang and Baz realised he was supposed to get out of bed to open to door for Simon. He wrapped himself in the big duvet and stumbled to the front door as quick as he could, looking like a giant, miserable burrito. 

“Hi,” was all Simon said as Baz opened to door. He wore one of his normal smiles and it eased something inside Baz. Baz gestured for Simon to come in.

Somehow they’d decided with so much as zero words that the two of them would retreat into Baz’ bedroom.

“Can we just lie down in bed together?” Baz asked Simon, he hated how tired and weak his own voice sounded.

Simon simply nodded at him.

Baz got into bed, tilting the duvet up a bit to let Simon in next to him. Simon followed him and pulled Baz close to him as soon as he had positioned himself. Simon warmth felt nice, Baz thought. It made him feel a little bit more content despite still feeling empty.

“I’ve missed you,” Simon told him.

Baz pressed his face into Simon’s chest. Simon’s smell was nice as well. “It’s hardly been a week since we last saw each other.”

“I know,” Simon said.

They stayed like that for a bit; the both of them okay with the quiet as they just enjoyed each others presence.

“What’s been up with you these last few days?” Simon asked, breaking the silence.

Baz took a deep breath as he thought of his answer. What had been up with him these last few days? There was constantly so much, yet so little in his head. He’d told his mother—his mothers grave, rather—that he was going to live an unapologetic life as himself now, but for some reason that was easier said than done. And it hadn’t even been easy to say. Some unhealthy habits had carved their way into Baz’ minds and weren’t leaving when he had asked them to. He didn’t know how to explain it to Simon. He wondered that—if he were able to explain it to Simon—Simon would suggest him to talk to the same therapist Simon was speaking to. Baz pushed it away.

In the end the only words that Baz was able to from were, “I feel empty. It sucks.”

Baz felt Simon’s arms tighten around him, not hard enough for it to be uncomfortable though. “I know,” Simon whispered.

Baz lifted himself up at that so he could look Simon in the eyes. Baz had one of his eyebrows raised in question. Simon had always been so opposite of empty to him.

“After I lost my magic…” Simon began and he didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t need to.

Baz felt his heart sink. Of course. Maybe Simon knew better than anyone how it was to feel empty. Some Mages were literally driven to madness by the absence of the feeling of their magic. It had happened on a few occasions back when the Humdrum was still creating the black holes. Loosing the amount of magic that Simon had once had in him must’ve felt like being sucked dry. Baz thought back of the emptiness in Simon’s eyes even months after he’d lost his magic.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” Simon said. Baz knew he was looking at Simon with pure sorry in his eyes. He hid his face in Simon’s chest again. He couldn’t hold himself back from looking the way he did every time Simon spoke about his loss of magic, but at least he could hide it from Simon. It was understandable that Simon didn’t want it.

“I’m sorry,” Baz said, not exactly knowing what the sorry was for. If it were for the general fact that Simon lost his magic; if it were for that Simon had felt empty the way Baz felt empty right now; if it were for that Baz had never even considered that Simon might have felt like this once. No matter what he actually said sorry for, the words were meant.

Baz could feel Simon shrug in answer. It was the only answer Baz had expected from him.

“Do you know why you feel empty? Is it, like, being a vampire kind of empty? Or…” Simon wondered. His words were leaving his mouth with a hesitant edge to them. 

“I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s just… feeling empty. It’s nothing and it’s everything all at once. I don’t really have words for it.”

“And that says a lot,” Simon said with an amused tone in his voice. It succeeded in making Baz chuckle. It was true that Baz had always been able to word everything perfectly.

The both of them change position so they’re facing each other in bed. Simon makes sure to hold both Baz’ hands in-between their bodies.

“Does it help that I’m here?” Simon asked.

“Maybe a little bit. I still feel empty, but I like it when you’re here so I guess it makes things easier,” Baz gave him his honest answer.

Simon nodded at that. “Should I have come to you earlier?”

Baz didn’t really know what to answer to that. Maybe it would’ve all been easier after all if Simon had come to visit him a few days earlier, but it wasn’t like he could put any blame on Simon for staying away. “Maybe, but I hadn’t asked for you to come, had I?”

“You hadn’t, but I could’ve suggested it.”

“It’s okay that you didn’t.”

“But it would have made things easier if I had.”

“Yes, but drop it Simon,” Baz told him. “It’s okay that you didn’t. It really is.”

Simon sighed and moved his head a bit closer to Baz’.

“Next time I will know to ask you, okay?” Baz reassured. “I just didn’t know whether I wanted you here. I—Sometimes I feel very insignificant next to you. Feeling the way I feel now, I was scared it would only make me more awareness of this feeling if you were here. You’re so full of life, even without your magic. But now I know it does help when you’re here, so I’ll ask next time.”

Simon didn’t seem able to form a proper response to that so Baz just watched him nod. Baz let their foreheads bump and smiled weakly at Simon. Simon did his own attempt at smiling back right before he closed the space between their lips.

The kissing made Baz feel warm and soft and nice. Simon’s lively lips woke something in Baz’ chest that might have made him feel a little less empty. It was a reassurance—a comfort that Baz gladly held onto.


End file.
